In the midst of my run smiley attitude and a care-free living, is a person with food issues.
I have food issues….Ok, enough of the denial. Food addiction. I am a food addict. I don’t mean in the cute way most women speak of being a chocoholic. I mean, I have confidence-destroying, food-eating patterns.
Each morning, I make promises like a tween with fawn like eyes filled with dreams of popularity. By lunchtime, I’ve turned into the evil mean girl who laughs at the nativity of the fawn-eyed morning me. By nighttime, I’m the rebellious me who knows that doing this or doing that isn’t what the parent in me would want me to do but I put chin up and do it just because I shouldn’t. By bedtime, I’m crawling into bed with the full weight of the wisdom and experience of my true age. I’m sad because I know that I’m just playing games with myself. I’m destroying myself. I feel the failure lay over me like a heavy wool blanket. I close my eyes and hope the next day is different. That it isn’t a repeat of the last 30 days.
I ran this morning not because I wanted to in the way that a run smiley would normally want to. Truthfully, I didn’t really want to run. I felt as though I needed to run. I needed a routine that was connected to doing something healthy. I needed run therapy.
I needed to get away from my pity party and realize that life is bigger than just me. On my run, I didn’t feel great or happy but I felt secure. I remembered that I can’t make an ordinary moment “special” using food. In fact, I realized that I take my regular good moments for granted. It is special to be able to have ordinary moments. Some people in the world never get plain ol’ good moment in their life.
I needed confirmation that I could accomplish something. On my run, I didn’t feel fast or slow, I just felt like I was going forward. That’s what run therapy can give you. It builds belief that you can get from one place to another even if that place is metaphysical rather than physical.
Not every run is run smiley. Some runs are run therapy. But I’ve got a feeling that run therapy will lead to another run smiley.
*3 miles barefoot on asphalt, 5 full push-ups, 5 modified push-ups