Open Letter to The Fat Cyclist

Dear Fatty,

As any good fan would do, I must start out by telling you that I love your blog and I have been reading it for years. Today’s post, is, of course, brilliant, and the format is strangely familiar. I am sure as a beloved celebrity ultra-megastar hall-of-fame, social media, and lifetime-achievement, award-winning, cycling comedy, blogging sensation all while being incredibly handsome (Stanley Tucci has nothing on you), you tire of being hounded by the press and in the endless spot light but you’re always generous to your fans and never tire of their adoration or fan mail, right? I agree that you believe you may be the best cyclist in the world. I have learned that not only are you all these things that I (you) said, you are also wise, nay, a genius, or better a wise genius which is significantly better than being a wise guy, such as Stanley Tucci has been.

The point is that I am a Cub Scout leader. I have a responsibilty to teach my cub scouts the proper way to do things so that they can move on to Boy Scouts where they will put in practice their motto “Be Prepared.” Thank you, by the way, for teaching me the true secret motto which explains why my oldest son, who will graduate to a Boy Scout at the end of the month, went to school today sporting singed eyebrows. At first, I thought it was a new fashion trend and then I remembered your post, realizing it must be the result of the secret test to join the Boy Scout troop.

Back to my point, in a couple of weeks, I will be taking my Cub Scouts on a bike hike. But, before we go, I need teach them a few things about preparing for the trip, such as, bicycle maintenance and packing provisions. Although I competed in your 2010 100 Miles of Nowhere and won the Category for Recreational cyclist with 7 year old tag along on a 2 blocks course, I am, unfortunately, a novice cyclist with nary a clue what to do with a bicycle besides pedal.

Would you, please, help me?

I was so delighted to easily recall your post discussing the most important provisions for a bike hike. I understand the need for several of the items such as duct tape (sometimes it is hard to control those boys) and aersol cheese (yum) but why would I need to take a bike tube? My bike already has a tube, in the wheel, all blown up already. What would I do with an extra bike tube with no air on the trail?

Another great lesson for my Cub Scouts stems from the follow up post on proper cycling etiquette. I’m not sure what you mean by letting them catch up. Isn’t it better to get back to the car with enough time to eat that roasted chicken and have a nap?

With all the information you have provided already, it seems ungrateful to ask for more, but, I just couldn’t locate a good post on bicycle maintenance. You do do maintenance, don’t you?

I look forward to learning from you. Again.

Thank you,
Stephanie

edit: if you like this post you really need to read The Fat Cyclist. Fatty perfected the form.

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