Imagine me sitting in a field of daisies. I have one daisy clutched in my left hand. With the right hand, I pull each petal off, one at a time. With each petal, I alternate saying, “I am a runner…. I am not a runner.”
Each day is another daisy petal. One day, I feel like I am a runner. The next day, I do not feel like I am a runner. Each day, I fret that this will be the last petal and whether that petal will say “runner” or “not”.
I’m too competitive with myself. I am frustrated that I am not running as fast or as far as I used to go. I catch myself wanting to quit due to my disappointing lack of ability. This running thing seems so hard. It seems like I’ll never get my abilities back.
It was easier to become a runner than to rebuild a runner. When I started, I had no expectations of what I could do. As a result, every run lifted me up and my confidence grew exponentially. But, this time around, I know what I should be able to do. When I don’t reach my expectation, don’t even come close to it, it’s a struggle not to be crushed by what once was.
When we were little girls we would use daisy petals to predict if a boy “loved” us or not. Not that the answer mattered because we’d just keep picking daisies until we got the answer we wanted. I just hope there are enough daisies in my field to help me figure out if I want to be a runner or not.